


Clouding Love and Despair

by Jakegender



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dysphoria, F/F, Multi, Talking about transition, but now sex is being utilised as a storytelling tool, sex as setup for dysphoric panic attack, there will be honest to goodness smut later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:34:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22328656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jakegender/pseuds/Jakegender
Summary: Callie is feeling very dysphoric and upset about herself, but her wives Jane and Roxy (and some other friends too!) are here to help her through it (and maybe fuck too)
Relationships: Calliope/Jane Crocker/Roxy Lalonde
Comments: 8
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxy and Callie try and have some fun in bed, but something goes wrong.

Your name is CALLIE LALONDE, and you are laying in bed, DEEP IN THOUGHT. You used to go by the name CALLIOPE, but you don't like that name anymore, because it reminds you of your CHERUB HERITAGE. 6 letters is a much more fitting length for your name, you think. You also took the last name of one of your BELOVED WIVES, a human tradition that you think is quite beautiful.  
  
You look at the ring on your claw, the RING OF LIFE that lets you exist in this world. Why should you be the one who gets to live using it? You're a failed creature, whose existence was predicated on being killed to fulfil your BROTHER'S PREDOMINATION.  
  
Your claws clench up around Jane's hand without you realising it, and she responds by gently running her fingers against your skull and jaw, soothing you and causing you to lighten your hold.  
  
JANE: Callie? Are you alright?  
CALLIE: oh no, don't yoU worry aboUt me, dear. i'm jUst thinking.  
JANE: Thinking? About what exactly?  
CALLIE: aboUt how lUcky i am to have sUch wonderfUl friends and partners sUch as you and roxy! ^u^  
JANE: Oh, Callie! We both simply adore you also!  
JANE: Goodnight, my love.  
  
Jane plants a kiss on the forehead of your skull and lays back down to sleep, hand still holding your claw. You lay staring at her, and Roxy cuddled up on her other side. They both look so beautiful, you think. You wish you looked like them, with their soft pale and dark flesh, their silky smooth hair, their wonderful round curves and fat. Not like you. Your body is sharp, thin, and bony. You have no hair, just a hard skull. God, you hate being a cherub. You hate looking in the mirror and seeing nothing but your brother. You wish you could be a human or a troll. They are such wonderful and beautiful species, capable of so much love. Cherubs are only good for hate and violence. A pale lime tear silently drips from your eye socket, and you lay there until the night whisks you away to dreams.  
  
The next morning, you awake to see Roxy laying in bed, playing idly on her phone. She senses you stirring, and leans over to plant a kiss on the side of your jaw.  
  
ROXY: hi bby, did u sleep well?  
CALLIE: i slept well, i trUst yoU did also?  
ROXY: i always do with u two here  
ROXY: janeys making us brekkie in bed, so we gotta stay here a bit  
ROXY: but theres plenty of fun to have here *wonk*  
  
You move over to cuddle her, feeling your silky prospit-gold pajamas rub against her skin and your bone. Your mouth presses against her lips in a kiss.  
  
CALLIE: oh my, are yoU sUggesting that we partake in an act of carnal pleasUre?  
ROXY: u know it  
  
Roxy tenderly holds your hips, as you grab her cheek in your claws. To be held so tenderly, and to hold them back, is a truly beautiful thing. You feel so cherished and secure, like nothing could ruin this moment of pure emotional pleasure. She pulls down her panties, revealing her pussy. God, it's so beautiful. So perfect. You wish you could be like that. You run your claws around the lips, over the clit, and tenderly push them inside. You hear her moan, feel her buck against the pleasure. You lean in for another gentle kiss, and feel the softness of her kisses all across your face and cheeks.   
  
ROXY: god, ur so hot!  
CALLIE: i love being close to yoU, to feel yoUr warmth against my body  
  
She hikes up your dress, and pulls down your panties from your pelvis, exposing your crotch. Her hand rides against your snake. Ugh, you hate your snake most of all your disgusting body. The small, tail-like appendage on the front of your pelvis is the vestigial beginnings of a cherubs mating form, a astronomically long serpent whose goal is to reproduce through murder. It is an awfully contradictory and upsetting concept, and it pulls you down from your perfect moment of intimacy, and feeds you straight back into the jaws of self-loathing.  
  
The smile immediately pulls from your face, but you don't say anything, just lay there still. Roxy immediately pulls back though, realising you're uncomfortable.  
  
ROXY: callie? whats wrong? u ok honey?  
CALLIE: it's jUst, Ugh, i'm a monster! i hate my body so mUch, it's disgUsting!  
ROXY: oh callie, ur beautiful!  
ROXY: but i know the feel  
ROXY: dysphoria is rough  
  
You pull your panties back up, and sigh.  
  
CALLIE: i'm sorry. i jUst got-  
ROXY: callie, u dont have to apologise  
ROXY: u didnt do anythin wrong  
ROXY: its ok to not be comfy with something in sex  
ROXY: thats what consents all about!  
ROXY: do try tell me next time tho, kay babe?  
CALLIE: i love yoU, roxy. so mUch.  
  
You lean in to hug her, and place a kiss on her forehead. As you do, pale lime tears start to well up in your eye sockets, and start dripping down onto Roxy's bare chest. As Roxy fondly strokes her hand across your skull, Jane walks in carrying a tray stacked with baked goods to eat, and wearing nothing but a frilly blue apron. She notices you crying, and quickly places the tray down to come and comfort you.  
  
JANE: What's the matter, Callie? Are you alright?  
  
You stammer, struggling to find the words to explain, before Roxy gives you a gentle shooshpap and explains for you.  
  
ROXY: she got a lil overwhelmed and dysphoric when we tried to fuck  
JANE: Oh, Callie, you poor darling!  
JANE: We're always going to be here for you, always.  
JANE: I wish we had a way to help you get the body you're more comfortable with though.  
CALLIE: it's okay. i've got yoU both here with me, sUpporting me.  
CALLIE: yoU both mean so mUch to me, i coUldn't ask for anything more.  
  
Jane cuddles up on the bed with you, holding you all in her arms. The tears flow heavy now, and you begin to sob the kind of sobs that come from being both immensely happy and sad all at once. The hoping and mournful sobs of a girl in deep pain, but knows she doesn't have to get through it alone. Roxy and Jane start to cry too, overwhelmed with the immensity of their love.  
  
ROXY: we love u so much callie, u know that right?  
ROXY: we'll always be here to love and cherish you and keep you safe  
CALLIE: thank yoU so mUch, i love yoU both more than i coUld possibly express.  
CALLIE: now, coUld we perhaps continUe the crying and cUddling over breakfast?  
JANE: That sounds great, Callie.  
  
You bring a claw to your eye to brush away a tear, and wipe it down on your dress, as Jane lets go to bring her breakfast tray onto the bed. You grab one of the berry muffins and begin to nibble on it, leaning against Roxy. You turn the TV on and start to watch a cheesy old noir film together, and watch Jane follow along with all the detective's lines, which she of course knows by heart. Once the climax is reached and the hard-boiled sleuth kisses the girl, she dips you down and leans in for the kiss. You smile, almost cracking a blush through your bone, and kiss back deeply. The gentle embrace of Roxy's lips reach your cheek, filling you with even more feelings of love and safety. There was a lot of pain, but today was a day spent with the ones you love, and you think that made it a good one.  



	2. A Discussion on Dysphoria

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxy is away, so Callie and Jane sit together and have an honest talk about their experiences of dysphoria.

A few days later, you and Jane are sitting out on the front porch, sipping hot chocolate and watching the clouds go by. Roxy is out with Dirk and Jake, so it's just you and her today. Jane notices you staring at her rather than the sky, and smiles.  
  
JANE: Not interested in the clouds?  
JANE: I can't exactly blame you, I much prefer this view as well.  
CALLIE: oh my, yoU do flatter me jane.  
  
You lean in, and Jane follows suit, joining you in a deep kiss.  
  
CALLIE: i love yoU, darling. so mUch. ^u^  
JANE: I love you too, sweetheart :B  
  
Your previously beaming smile fades a bit, trying to dislodge the question from your tongue.  
  
CALLIE: jane, can i ask a personal qUestion?  
JANE: Of course, Callie. What's on your mind?  
CALLIE: what's yoUr dysphoria like?  
JANE: Oh, well. Hmm. That's a tricky question.  
JANE: Usually its not really there, I'm very happy with my body the way it is now.  
JANE: Not to be vain, but I think I'm rather beautiful, actually.  
CALLIE: i think so too. <3  
JANE: Aww. <3  
  
Jane blushes, and you giggle a bit.  
  
JANE: But sometimes, it just hits you.  
JANE: And you feel like shit.  
JANE: Sometimes you can tell what triggered it.  
JANE: Like a cute outfit doesn't look good on you, or you catch a look at your face the wrong way.  
JANE: But other times there isn't anything, it just happens.  
CALLIE: i can relate to that.  
CALLIE: my breakdown last week was caUsed by seeing my, Uhh.   
CALLIE: ...   
CALLIE: my snake.  
  
The words come out pained, you can barely even say it. Jane notices, and clasps warm hands around your claws.  
  
JANE: It's okay, it's okay.  
CALLIE: eUrgh, i hate it so mUch. why do i have to be like this? ,U_U  
JANE: I don't know, my love. I don't know. :(B  
  
She's hugging you now, letting your tears drop onto her shirt. You feel her hand tracing along your back, making circles. Your mind is drawn to them, following the circles. You feel calm, and go to dry your eye sockets.  
  
JANE: Perhaps it would be easier if you used a different term for it? It seems rather triggering for you.  
JANE: Like how I have my hen.  
CALLIE: hen is a rather nice term for it.  
CALLIE: it woUld be better if it weren't there at all, thoUgh.  
JANE: I know, dysphoria is awful.  
JANE: We'll figure something out to help you, I promise.  
CALLIE: thank yoU.  
CALLIE: with regards to my dysphoria, there is also a base layer of discomfort cloUding everything. like i can't forget aboUt it, even when i am otherwise doing well.  
CALLIE: have yoU had any similar feelings, jane?  
JANE: At times, yes.  
JANE: It used to be much worse, before I had a chance to transition.  
JANE: Nowadays I remember just how far I've come, and it helps.  
CALLIE: i sUppose i've come qUite far too, haven't i?  
CALLIE: even if it isn't in the same way yoU meant.  
JANE: That's okay.  
JANE: You really have come a lot way, Callie. I'm proud of you.  
CALLIE: we all have, haven't we?  
JANE: True, but you more than most.  
  
You lean in to hug her, crying again. You don't know if it's happy or sad, and you don't care. All that matters is that you are with someone you love, someone who loves you, no matter what. That warm embrace of a lover is the most comfort you could ever ask for.  
  
JANE: Callie, you are so strong. More than anyone i know.  
JANE: I am beyond glad to call myself your wife.  
CALLIE: i love yoU too, jane. yoU and roxy are the most wonderfUl people i have ever met, i don't know where i woUld be withoUt yoU.  
CALLIE: thankyoU. for everything.  
JANE: Thank you too, Callie. <3  
CALLIE: <3  
CALLIE: i think i woUld like to go and jUst lay on the grass.  
CALLIE: care to join me?  
JANE: That sounds lovely, dear.  
  
You get up from Jane's chair you were cuddling in, and step off the porch. She follows, and helps you down to the ground, laying beside you and holding your hand. You stay there a while. Minutes, hours, days, minutes. It doesn't matter. You were there for however long you were, in the company of someone special.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heres the first two chapters of my new fic! Havent written in a while 8ut i think this is pretty good. Theres gonna 8e some plot and resolution to callie's dysphoria soon, promise.


	3. Chapter 3

Later that day, as you and Jane are snuggled up under a warm blanket watching a movie, you hear a knock on the door, and Roxy’s voice calling out to you both.  
  
ROXY: callie!! janey!! come over here, we gotta show u someone!  
JANE: Coming, sweetie!  
  
You sit up from Jane’s lap and wrap the blanket around you, as you both walk to meet Roxy in the kitchen. As your claw pulls open the front door, you see Roxy and Dirk, accompanied by someone you don’t quite recognize, yet seems oddly familiar. As they open their mouth, their manner of speaking instantly tips you off that this is an old friend.  
  
????: It’s good to see you two! It’s been such a while hasnt it?  
DIRK: Yeah, it’s good to see you both.  
????: Sorry we didnt extend the invite, but we were whipping up something special for you callie.  
CALLIE: a gift? that’s very kind, Uhh, english.  
????: I should probably stop beating around the bush here.  
LARA: The name’s lara english. She her pronouns for now at least.  
JANE: Lara’s a nice name, it really suits you!  
ROXY: she got it from tomb raider  
CALLIE: oh don’t be mean, roxy!   
CALLIE: if i can recall correctly, yoU named yoUrself after ro-  
ROXY: i didnt say it was bad!  
ROXY: i think its kinda cute tbh  
LARA: Anyways i should get to explaining to jane and callie just what weve been up to!  
LARA: Roxy got dirk and i to help her rustle up a new fraymotif!  
LARA: Our void heart and hope powers all build up to do a cool transformation!  
ROXY: it tee effs you into ur idealised self, at least lookswise  
LARA: Exactly! And i volunteered to be the guinea pig.  
LARA: Cause i was having the old gender troubles and thought itd be a help.  
LARA: Ive not quite cracked every part of my identity just yet but it was a splendid help.  
LARA: And i do look rather fetching wouldnt you say?  
  
She strikes an exaggerated pose, flipping her hair back, and laughs. You, Jane and Roxy giggle, and even Dirk cracks a smile.  
  
LARA: But enough hornswaggle about me!  
LARA: This is about callie!  
CALLIE: is it? bUt yoU've jUst come oUt lara!  
CALLIE: this calls for celebration!  
LARA: Oh no i wouldnt want a fuss about me.  
LARA: We made this fraymotif for you!  
ROXY: i wanted to try and help u with your dysphoria  
ROXY: whatchu think sweetie?  
CALLIE: oh roxy... this is... thankyoU.  
CALLIE: all of yoU.  
CALLIE: yoU’re too kind.  
CALLIE: this is sUch a big change, thoUgh.  
CALLIE: can i have some time to think aboUt it?  
LARA: Of course callie!  
LARA: Its a real rumtaster of a decision and you wouldnt want to make it lightly.  
DIRK: Lara I don’t think that anybody has ever actually said that word for anything other than the literal definition of someone who tastes rum.  
ROXY: oh, let her have her fun  
LARA: Yeah dont be an addleplot dirk.  
DIRK: Okay, okay, point taken.  
  
Dirk lifts up his hands and tilts his head slightly, and Lara gives him a playful punch on the shoulder. Dirk staggers back a bit, grabbing the site of the blow with his other hand, as Lara reaches out to steady him.  
  
LARA: Oh shit.  
LARA: Sorry chum. Not quite used to my new strength it seems.  
DIRK: You don’t fuckin say.  
  
Jane’s hands begin to shine cyan, before Dirk waves her back.  
  
DIRK: Jane, please. I’m fine.  
JANE: Sure, whatever you say Dirk.  
DIRK: Okay fine, maybe a little healing would be good.  
ROXY: anyways, yea of course u can think ‘bout it first callie   
ROXY: this is like, real big, and kinda scary tbh  
ROXY: impressed lara was all gung ho about it  
ROXY: tho i guess not doin it was more scary 4 you  
LARA: That just about sums it up.  
LARA: I just had to see who i really wanted to be.  
LARA: Or at least see how to start nutting it out.  
CALLIE: i’m so glad yoU’re able to start exploring yoUr identity like this, lara.  
LARA: Thanks a bundle callie youre too kind.  
CALLIE: what woUld yoU all say to coming inside for a while?  
CALLIE: there’s enoUgh room on the coUch for everyone!  
CALLIE: if we all bUnch Up, at least.  
LARA: That sounds splendid callie.  
DIRK: Sounds sweet.  
DIRK: We could put on Swe-  
ROXY: o no we are NOT watching any sbahj  
DIRK: You don’t know that’s what I was suggesting.  
LARA: Yes we do dirk weve been friends for yonks now.  
DIRK: Okay, okay. You got me.  
DIRK: I was gonna say we could watch some Sbahj.  
LARA: I kinda like those movies though.  
CALLIE: if lara wishes to watch it, she is the woman of the day, no?  
ROXY: i guess thats fair  
ROXY: not like im gonna be focused on the movie tho   
ROXY: *wonk*  
  
Roxy dramatically leans over, wonking right at her wives, making you both laugh. You lean in from the side to kiss her before she gets back upright.  
  
JANE: Hoo hoo! Of course, dear.  
JANE: But we have to have at least a bit more of a chat first.  
JANE: I didn’t spend the whole day with those nerds, you know.  
LARA: Hey.  
DIRK: She’s got a point, Lara.  
DIRK: You’re kinda a massive nerd.  
LARA: As if you arent too you nerd!  
ROXY: were all a buncha fuckin nerds  
ROXY: none of us are free of the nerdness  
ROXY: now come on, lets watch ur dumb nerdy movie  
  
As you all shuffle into the lounge and Dirk flicks on the TV, you cuddle up in Roxy’s arms and watch your closest friends make themselves comfy. Their presence is familiar, calming, everything you’ve dreamed of. Back when you were a kid, those dreams were all you had. You were scared, and alone, and relied on the hope that things would get better. But now, that hope has brought you somewhere amazing, even better than you dreamed. And now it’s offering you even more. You look at Lara. You can see the difference in how she is after coming out. Beyond the obvious physical changes, you see how she holds herself that much more naturally, like she’s no longer carrying a weight on her heart. That so much aching has been replaced with wonder and excitement.   
  
All that is being offered to you, too. You’re definitely going to take it, you think, you just need a bit of time to process it all. And so, you cuddle up, and stare into the eyes of your beautiful wife Roxy, who would do anything for you. The ring on your finger, and the offer on your mind are proof of that. You’re so lucky to have her. And Jane. And Lara and Dirk too. They’re the most wonderful people in the world, and you cherish every second spent with them.  



End file.
